“Go” is the word I would hear each time I walked to my mailbox and look in the direction of where a church sits on the corner from my neighborhood. I would hear the word, “Go” when I would stop at the intersection where the church sits or pass it on my way out on an errand. There was this nudge, a whisper telling me to “GO!”. Of course, I knew and know deep within that this whisper was the Holy Spirit speaking to me.
A ROUGH YEAR
This year has not been the easiest year for Jim and me. It seems we would get out of one storm and another would hit. In these storms, I was the one who was trying to encourage everyone else, trying to hold everyone else up and making sure their needs were taken care of. Yet, ignoring the fact that I needed to grieve and work through some emotions that I had put on the back burner. Mid-way through the year, I said a big time prayer to God. In the night, I felt these warms arms embrace me and the words, “everything is going to be okay. There is HOPE and I am your HOPE.” I carried that moment with me for a while and even wrote about it (Jesus Came Last Night). However, being human came in to play and I was off again trying to help the next person(s) weather another storm.
THE BRICK CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!
Then, it happened. A brick came out of the blue and hit me and hit me hard. This brick was a major meltdown/ anxiety attack. I had small anxiety attacks when I was younger but nothing like what hit me this time. If you have never had an anxiety attack, I will tell you that it feels like you are dying and the walls are closing in on you.
In the midst of my tears, I text Jim and tell him what is happening. He soon comes home in attempt to figure out how to help me. All he could do was hold me and let me just cry. All the feelings I had stuffed inside were rushing out. The dam had burst! I cried eight solid hours that day. In the midst of the tears, Jim suggested I see a counselor. At first, I didn’t like the idea because I felt as though if I have Christ in my life and give it to God all would eventually be okay. To me, seeing a counselor was a sign of my faith being weak. But Jim soon pointed out to me that God created counselors and physicians and such to help him out in helping others to heal. The appointment was made and my road to healing began.
THE ROAD TO HEALING
As part of the healing process, I began to journal. There are times when I will talk with my counselor about what I have written and other times it is just a therapeutic tool to help work through the triggers of what causes me to reel into the abyss of anxiety. Along with keeping a journal, I began doing what I have told others to do in the midst of a storm and that is to keep a blessings journal. Each day write down at least five blessings and as the days progress to add a blessing to the list. Another physician’s heal thyself moment came through me reading some of my own writings of encouragement. Just as I had been busy helping family members cope, I have been reaching out beyond my walls to help others see there is HOPE in a hurting world. Yet, all the while not paying attention to the TEACHER who was giving me those words to share. Yet, HE had my attention this time! In the midst of the journal and the blessings journal, there is another journal. In this journal are letters to God. I write letters to God in the evenings and tell him all that is on my heart and place it all in HIS hands. Once I close that journal, I don’t go back but turn to the next clean page for the next night. And, God tells me; “go to sleep, I got this!”.
In mid-October, I had already gone to a couple of counseling sessions and was spending more quiet/alone time with God. And, that is when it happened. I began to hear a voice saying; “you need to be healed and I want you to go to that church across the corner where I can heal you.” However, being the girl who wants to get the last word in, my response was; “God, I have a church home, a church family and I see no need of going somewhere else.” I probably sounded a lot like Moses making up excuses to God when God told him to lead His people out of Egypt. But, God would not let me have the last word. Instead, the Holy Spirit took over and continued to nudge me until I went to the church I have passed for almost twenty years as I came in and out of my neighborhood.
STEPPING OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE
It was a Sunday morning and it was a Sunday where Jim had to be on duty at the hospital. I got up and told him I thought I would go across the street for worship. The night before I had gone on-line to find out the worship times and prayed about it. Jim’s response was supportive and loving. He knew it would be a huge step for me to go to a different church without him by my side. The first step of stepping out of a comfort zone for me.
As I entered the sanctuary, I looked around to see if I knew anyone. No one looked familiar to me. I took a seat close to the back. I guess I was thinking that if it didn’t work out or something I was close enough to the back door I could quickly make my escape. No such thing happened. Before the service began, a greeter came up to me and welcomed me to the service. As I spoke to her, I told her I did not know why I was there but there was a nudge to be there for worship. I went on to explain that I did not know if was to be there for the day, the week or if someone needed to talk to me or me talk to someone. All I knew was I was told to “GO!”.
Ever since I entered this place of worship for the first time, I have felt an internal healing. It became evident after the second night of attending a lady’s bible study. As the session came to a close, the answer of why I had been told to “Go” was right in front of me with this bible study. One step at a time, God is revealing His plan for me and why the Holy Spirit placed that nudge within me. The important thing I have had to do and have to keep doing is trust Him and allow Him to lead.
THE WORD “GO”
From the first time the word, “GO” was whispered to me, I began doing a lot of thinking about that word in the biblical sense. In Luke 2:7, Joseph and Mary go to Bethlehem for Joseph to register for the census. While they are there, Mary gave birth to a baby boy who would one day grow up and “go” where His Father would lead Him. Luke 2:8-15 is where the angels appear to the shepherds and say to them; “Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord.” Once the angels left them, the shepherds knew they had to “go” and see the Christ child. Matthew 2:13 the angels wake up Joseph during the night and tell him to “go” /leave because Herod is on the search for the baby boy.
THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
While sitting here writing this piece, my eyes are opened again. All that has happened to me and that has unfolded before me is God actively at work in my life. I was broken and I needed a reminder of that hope that is promised through our Lord and Savior. Over two thousand years ago, God saw a world that was broken and sent his only begotten Son so that the world can have hope and eternal life (John 3:16).
If you read further into Matthew you will see where Jesus tells the disciples to “go back and report to John what you hear and see. The blind man receive sight, the lame walk , those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead raised, and the good news proclaimed to the poor.” In Matthew 28:- 20, Jesus gives His disciples these instructions and are instructions for us as well; “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end.”
This Christmas Season, I encourage you to take a moment and listen to that still small quiet voice/nudge that is within. It is my prayer that you will obey that still small voice and be ready to experience blessings beyond comprehension unfold before you.